stories by

Neverland [one-shot]

In One-Shots on November 5, 2009 at 7:58 AM

ZERO.

I wonder where you are at…

Did God take you where you belong?

Did God take you to…

Neverland?

PART

The girl sat quietly in the large, cushioned benches outside the doctor’s office. She could hear her mother’s sobs and her father’s comforting words as she swung her short legs. Her legs were tired from sitting at the bench for so long. They were too short, so they didn’t touch the floor. Hanging and swinging like a pendulum, she waited for her parents to come out of the room.

As her mother broke into another chorus of cries and tears, Sae knew she would be waiting for a long time. But sooner than expected, her father came out the room with a mournful expression. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that there was something wrong. Sae popped off the chair and run to her daddy.

He gently embraced her as her mother hobbled out the office, guided by the doctor. Then with his strong arms, Mr. Lyu lifted Sae up and onto his broad shoulders. She giggled as her father tickled her sides. After squirming for a good while, Sae finally settled down.

“Mommy?” she asked quietly. “Are you okay?”

Mrs. Lyu looked up at her precious jewel. She felt the tears surging again as her daughter gazed down with large, crystal, innocent eyes. Lifting a handkerchief to her face, she dabbed her eyes to keep them dry. Then she smiled at her daughter. She motioned for her husband to bring her down.

Reluctantly, Mr. Lyu lifted his daughter off his shoulders. He placed her on the bench as Mrs. Lyu cupped her daughter’s hand in hers. She whispered in an attentive but agonizingly sad voice, “Honey, the doctors say you are sick. You might have to live in the hospital for a while.”

From afar, Mr. Johnson, their family doctor, the pediatrician of the town, shook his head. Another baby had fallen to the dangerous radio waves from the Hiroshima bombing. This case was more tragic than most, because the Lyu family had been forced to come by business reasons. There weren’t here for more than a month when their daughter was infected. It shouldn’t happen, figuratively but there are times when the God up there just works in strange ways.

What sadden him more was that this was the least of his problems. The biggest case was a boy named Peter. His traditional Japanese name was Yusu but he always wanted to be called Peter.

Peter was unique but he had no friends. They didn’t dare put him in a room with others because he was simply adored. He was such an adorable child that they were scared others would get attached to him. Johnson sighed as he opened the Lyu file once more.

Sae Lyu had leukemia – a common disease since the bombing. What Johnson regretted the most was that there was no more room in the hospital. If he could, he would have added a bed to another room but it was already crammed. With a regretful heart, he assigned Sae the same room number as Yusu.

Mrs. Lyu trembled as the car approached the hospital. Leukemia was not a genetic disease within the family. In fact, any type of cancer was nonexistent in the family genes. They were always a healthy group by she couldn’t help the thought that Sae would be the first to suffer.

Sae, on the other hand, had no idea what was in store for her. She was always an optimistic girl. Even though she hardly talked, her smiles and dimples made up for her voice. She watched the limousine pull up in front of the hospital. The doors unlocked as her chauffeur opened it for her. Mumbling a timid, ‘thank you,’ she then made her way to the front door.

706N

That was her room number. After many tears and kisses, Mrs. Lyu finally left the room. The only thing that dragged her out of the room was the constant reminder from her chauffeur that she had an important meeting with the CEO of Sony. Before tearing herself away from her daughter, she gave her one last wet kiss.

Sae looked around the room. It was empty but extremely clean. There was a strange blue hint to the place that made her feel calm and peaceful. According to the nice nurse, this was the nicest room in the hotel. Other rooms were painted a sickly, pale green. Sae smiled as she crawled onto her bed.

“Ow!” a voice muttered. “Get off me!”

Horrified, Sae quickly crawled off the bed. The nurses had neglected to tell her that she was sharing a room with someone. Sae shuffled herself to the corner of the room. She stood in the lonesome corner as the creature in the bed began to move.

The covers slowly came off to reveal a little boy, around her age. He had small eyes, a tall nose and firm lips. He glared at her with piercing, but sparkly eyes as he grinned. His dimples shouted greetings to her as he waved.

Shyly, she waved back. The boy threw the covers away as he jumped off the bed. For a moment, his knees buckled, almost completely giving way. But with a quick reflex, he grabbed onto the bed and steadied himself.

“Hi, my name is Peter!”

Sae stayed in her corner but looked at the cheerful boy. She muttered her name softly but the boy didn’t seem to hear. He slowly made his way towards her. Sae suddenly noticed how tall this boy was. For the age of eight, he was almost as taller than the grand piano that remained untouched in her mother’s recreation room.

“Sometimes the Japanese nurses call me Yusu, but I like Peter more.”

His mouth gaped open as Sae got a good look at his teeth. They were small and white, like the pearls around her mother’s neck. All of them were in place. Sae forgot about her shyness and pointed at the boy’s teeth.

“I lost some of mine,” she said. She grinned for him to see. One of her two front teeth was missing. “See?”

Peter laughed as he saw the gap. He rubbed his tongue over his tooth, trying to feel if it was lose. The doctors told him that he might not grow as fast as the other children. There were certain moments that made him distrust them, moments when he looked into the mirror and saw his abnormal height. Then there were moments that made him believe them, moments like these when he saw that his teeth were still intact.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

This time he got an answer.

“Sae.”

.

“Ah!!” Sae screamed as Peter chased her around the room. They were playing this game of hide and seek but there weren’t many places to hide in. It was either under the bed, in the closet or in the bathroom. After a while, they gave up and played tag. Her arms were flying in the air as Peter ran after her.

He had grown since the first time Sae had met him, that was a year ago. Taller and broader in most in ways, his shoulder had begun to widen and his face was becoming distinctly shaped. Peter’s blubbery cheeks had disappeared and become sunken in. It was a gradual process, so gradual that it took Sae a while to notice.

Peter finally caught her and swung her up in his arms. He could carry her now. He was strong enough to carry her on his back and run around for a good half n’ hour. These two kids were the only ones that the nurses allowed to run around in the park by themselves, partially because of Peter’s size and because they were the favorites of the hospital. Other kids began to hate them but they didn’t care. As long as Sae had Peter and Peter had Sae, they didn’t care.

“SAE!” Peter cried as the door opened. A nurse smiled weakly at Sae as she closed the door after Peter. With clobbering, clumsy feet, Peter ran towards Sae, who was sitting in her bed, reading a book.

She immediately dropped the book and gave Peter a hug. “What’s wrong Peter?” she whispered as the large boy buried his head in her lap. Even though he was too big for her bed, he liked to crawl in and share it with her. The bed constantly creaked underneath his weight but it remained stubborn and stood firm.

“They said they have to move me,” he muttered. Sae’s heart dropped. Move Peter? To where? He shook his head as the vibrations rang through her body. She felt her heart beat screaming along with his silent protests. “They said I have to go to another hospital. I don’t want to go.”

“Maybe it’s for the better?” she asked. She tried to be optimistic about it. After all, that was what her father taught her. Be happy, look on the bright side, every dark cloud has a silver lining. “Maybe you’ll get better in the other hospital.”

Peter’s head jerked up. He looked at her with teary, glossed eyes and stomped off to his own bed. Throwing the covers over his head, he yelled into his pillow. His voice had changed a lot as well as his physical build. It was slowly becoming lower as the days went by.

Sae made out a faint noise as Peter muttered.

“I don’t want to move. I wish I were an adult. I wish I could grow up. If I were a grown up, no one could tell me what to do.” His head peaked from the sanctuary of the covers. He stared at Sae intensely in the eyes. He held determination in his eyes as she stared back. “I’m going to grow up, then I can take us both away from this hospital and we will live happily ever after.”

Then he threw the covers back over and played through his temper tantrum. Sae stared at the bulk on the bed with sad eyes. She didn’t want him to move either. She didn’t want him to go at all.

But a few days later, they came and took him away.

Sae sighed as she looked out the window. Peter was taken away about a year ago and they never replaced his place. Not that she wanted a replacement. When they asked her if she wanted a roommate, she always refused. She wanted to keep this place empty for Peter, so when he came back, he would know what she was thinking.

I miss you Peter.

The door creaked open as an old nurse popped her head in.

“Sae?” she whispered in that crackly voice of hers.

Sae lifted a hand to show that she heard.

“There’s a new roommate for you.”

Sae pressed her cheek against the window, feeling the cool touch against her warm skin. It felt soothing. Then loud footsteps entered the room. Sae’s sense immediately perked. There was only one person who walked like this. Only one person she ever knew who clobbered into a room like he had just finished a twenty hundred mile marathon in five minutes. Daringly, she turned her head.

Peter.

There was her Peter, with the same cheeky grin but he was different. He was taller, broader, and stronger. And he definitely did not look like he was nine years old. This Peter fitted into clothing that her father wore to dinner banquets. He towered a good foot over her as Sae stared at him. His arms were open wide as he rushed forward to hug her.

“I told you I was going to grow up,” he said, linking her pinky with his.

They had a lot of fun times together. The nurses let them out more often because Peter was practically the size of a full-grown man. He carried Sae on his shoulders and gave her piggybacks rides wherever she wanted to go. Peter always stood tall and proud in front of Sae, as if to boast that whatever he said was magic.

But as time went by, Peter began to grow weaker and weaker. The doctors came in for more frequent checkups and soon began to take him away for days at a time. Sae could only watch as the treatments began to last over for weeks. She began to understand that there was something dreadfully wrong with Peter – and it had to do with his sudden growth.

Peter’s body kept growing. He had the body of a fifty year old but the mind of a ten year old. Even as they played in the park, they couldn’t get along well without people staring at them. After a while, they completely gave up the idea of going out. It didn’t matter though because Peter no longer had the energy to carry Sae. She was slowly growing as well.

“I wish I never made that decision,” he said tiredly, as the nurse left the room. “I wish I decided to grow up like a normal kid. I don’t want to grow up anymore.”

Sae didn’t say a word. She didn’t know what to say. With sad eyes, she watched her best friend disappear under the covers. She wanted to comfort him but there were no words for his situation. Sae wanted to reach out and give him a hug, for that’s what her father always did to her, but he was too large for her small self.

After that incident, Peter began to cheer up. As if a veil had been lifted, Peter began to beckon Sae to play with him again. Though his body couldn’t exercise too much, he spent as much time as he could with Sae. A year passed by quickly but changes were evident.

Peter’s body had shifted to that of a seventy year old man. Sae was the only one who didn’t fear him. She knew what he was like on the inside and that’s what she loved about him. As old as he looked, his appearance never stopped him from acting young. Every time she looked at him, her heart cried at the sight of his aging body. If only he hadn’t made that stupid wish…Miracles happen, but couldn’t they stop?

One day, Peter was gone. Sae rushed around the room, looking in the old hiding places. She looked under the bed, in the bathroom and even in the cramped closet. Peter was nowhere to be seen. Even when the nurse came in to take Sae to her weekly appointment, Peter didn’t come out.

Grief took Sae’s heart when the nurse shrugged at the mention of Peter’s name. She asked Dr. Johnson after her appointment but he shrugged as well. Peter should be in his room, he said. If not, then no one knew where Peter was.

Before going back to her room, Sae ran all over the hospital, looking for Peter. No one knew where he was. Even the children that once hated her gave her sorry looks as she rushed out of the room to look in the next. Finally, a nurse came and dragged Sae back to her room.

The room was dark. The curtains were pulled and the lights failed to turn on. Sae turned around to complain when she saw a flicker appear from the bathroom door. In front of her, stood Peter with a birthday cake in his hands. He sang a beautiful song for her in his raspy voice as he took careful steps. He trembled as he lowered the cake onto the top.

“Happy birthday, Sae.”

She smiled with teary eyes as she rushed forward to give her king a hug. He warmly embraced her as her whispered softly into her ear. Words that made her heart jump and cry at the same time. Word that she hadn’t heard from a long time, even from her parents. Words that were enough to make a girl buckle with joy.

“I love you.”

Three months later, Peter disappeared.

INFINITY.

It took me five years to find him again.

After my parents decided to move me to America where professional doctors could treat my leukemia. Two years of chemotherapy and a year of rehabilitation took away three years of my childhood. I played with other children but no one could capture my attention the way Peter did.

I graduated from UC Berkley with an outstanding GPA. I majored in biology and became a pediatrician with a PHD. I was hired to work in a hospital in Hiroshima with children who suffered from the after effects of the atomic bomb. The pay wasn’t much but what drew me there were the memories.

After working there for a year, I came across the old files of Dr. Johnson. I discovered various files on the children that I had encountered with when I was eight. Most of the diseases were types of cancer. Just when I was about to give up, a confidential file dropped out of the stack. Written neatly in print, in dark ballpoint ink, was the name I hadn’t heard in years.

Yusu, Peter.

Mother – Sayuri Toyota, deceased. Father – Kenneth Johnson, Head of the Hiroshima Children’s hospital.

Birth date – July 2, 1972

Weight – 30 kg.

Height – 4″5

Condition – Suffering from Progeria.

I quickly put away the files and slipped Peter’s with me. Running to my office, I rushed in and locked the door behind me. I sat at my computer as I researched this foreign word.

Progeria, other wise known as the Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria syndrome. More accuraltly known as the ‘alcelerrating aging’ disease. The Hutchinson-Gilford syndrome causes great physical changes over the years to the sufferers. This disease affects about one in four million newborn children. Most carriers of this disease die within ten to thirteen years of live. There is no known cure.

Did God take you where you belong?

Did God take you to…

Neverland?

little soul 1

In little soul on November 5, 2009 at 6:02 AM

chapter one. holden
part one

we are all of us resigned to death. it’s life we aren’t resigned to.” – graham greene

How do you know Hayley?”

I hardly recognized any of these people. They do not recognize me either. In fact, no one knows who I am until our mutual friend, Hayley’s best friend, introduces me to her immediate family and closer friends. No, they’ve never heard of me, but “Oh you’re Lena’s friend from university. I’m sorry, but I don’t recall Hayley ever mentioning you. Well, thank you for coming anyway…” That’s a telltale sign that says I don’t belong, that maybe the deceased means more to me than she should’ve. In my head, there are plenty of explanations. There’s a). we only knew each other for a brief amount of time along with b). that we already had mutual friends that knew everything and c). just because she didn’t talk about me didn’t meant that I didn’t matter – and letter list continues to z until we repeat again by naming reasons alphabetically.

From the fresh whitewashed walls to the polished wood of the church pews, I know this place is too top-notch and clean. I can see Hayley digging her fingernails into the wall just for the sake of making an ugly scar. Then there’s the reception of faux acceptance. She would’ve hated it. Fake smiles and numerous amounts of people made the room feel as if we were in a congested tunnel. Social pollution collects like pollen on wool, but understandably, this funeral isn’t for her. It’s for the rest of the world to have closer from her departure. It’s for me. For her father in front of me. For her teachers behind me. For the empty seat beside me. If Hayley Tangles really held an iron fist in directing her funeral, her ashes would be composed of not just blood and bones but every single document and photograph of her existence. She would wish to die the same way she spent her birthdays, and perhaps disappear like the way things decay. Slowly, slowly, slowly… until you don’t remember what used to be there and until you don’t remember at all.


I yelled through the phone.

Happy Birthday Hayley!!”

Sh!” she hushed in an urgent tone.

Oh…sorry?”

I want today to be the most boring, average day of my life.”

I hesitated. Then flirted. “Then how should I celebrate the day an awesome person was born?” Well, the attempt to flirt was charming.

At least, she found it so. She giggled and I imagined her hand over her mouth as her voice returned muffled over the receiver.

If I’m not awesome, then just appreciate me everyday. I can’t be here forever you know.”

I realize that now.

How much did you love her?”


I look up to see Finn Matthews to my left, staring at the empty seat next to me. This is – was – her best friend, on of the only companions that could ever understand her twisted mind. Compared to him, I probably wasn’t even ranked second best. Despite his asymmetrical head and slumped composure, he had the aura of a Novel Prize winner. His intelligence exceeded his Quasimodo sweetheart appearance. Finn grew on you the way a gifted flower looks prettier and prettier every day you see it. I remember her saying that he grows into something wonderful whenever he smiles. “The world is brighter when he smiles.”

I glance quickly in his direction. He isn’t smiling and the sky is dark.

He sits down next to me, a block of black and white, disrupting my peripheral view. “Do you think you ever really loved her enough to stop and wonder why she was so destructive?” I look at his ashy hands fidget with themselves. His tone is accusing. I feel like I’m bleeding into the maroon cushioned pews while he continues monotonously. “At times, did you ever think that maybe her insanity wasn’t an act?”

I – ” can only stutter, finding no words as he looks straight into my eyes. Then it dawns on me. Of course you fool! I realize he isn’t asking me. He’s asking himself. This is Finn Matthews, the best friend, the one who knows or thought he knew everything there was to ever know about Hayley Tangles. At least, she made sure that he knew every breath she took. The guilty weight of knowledge must rest on his shoulders – and even if I love her, there is that chance that I don’t matter.

She asked me once if I thought she was insane.”

…”

His black suit is a shade darker than mine, as if he was mourning harder than I was. The neatly pressed and ironed cloth looked sharp and slick compared to the wrinkled, oversized shoulders that covered my body. Without looking at me once, Finn continued to speak, almost ignoring my presence. This was a church, and I have become the confessional.

I told her that I thought she was okay. Should I have told her that she needed help? I didn’t want her to get help because becoming normal is exactly what dilutes us. Hayley is the most concentrated special in a soul I’ve ever met.”

I know. Me too.”

He laughs. “She was crazy, that bitch. Mentally disturbed. That’s what I told my girlfriend every time Hayley came to me with one of her stories.” In that bizarre relationship of mutual acceptance, Finn and Cassie seemed to share the one thing Hayley envied. They had the only type of beauty she was too scared to destroy.


She has a habit of letting her short legs swing over anything that allows her legs to move freely as if they were swimming. “Don’t tell her I said this because she’s my best friend, but you know I have to be honest. As cute as they are together, they never seem to be together when the reality knocks on their door. Nobody likes a hidden relationship, even if its the first honest one in our circle. That’s enough dirt on such a snowy love.”


We turn at the exact moment, looking straight into each other. He holds my eyes for a long time and we understand perfectly everything that wasn’t said. He loves her. I love her. We all love her so much that the plastic figure in the casket can only be a copy of the true relic.

She had told him she loved him and at some point, “Everyone said I was too good for her,” he explains. He shrugs casually and leans into the pew as if it had to eat him up and become his coffin. Silently, he rested his head, never asking me another question when I wanted to ask him everything. There was so much more to Hayley that I didn’t understand, that I didn’t see – and the one that mattered the most seemed to accept the fact hat she was gone. Finn sat in the silence vacuum, sucked into another dimension of his mind where he could see her again. His face is straight-laced with longing and sorrow, like the salt crusted along a martini glass. It’s sweet that he truly cares for her. It’s cruel that he has to sit next to a stranger in order to grieve properly.

Here I am, a boy that only knew her for the last two months of her life, but the overwhelming burden I feel amounts to the way Finn does. It’s only right that I can mourn for her with the one who knew her the best.

She could really turn your world inside out, that Hayley. Upside down, black and white, in just short amounts of time, she made sure you saw the world through a kaleidoscope instead of the looking glass.

I watch the black and white mannequins move across the room. Greetings, consolidating and smiling tightly, they glide aground the marble floor like ballerinas in a music box. Everyone moves with slow purpose as if talking was the glue on a band-aid that sealed the wound so it could heal. I forget how long this funeral is supposed to last but I figure I can stay until the end. After all, this is the last time I would ever be with her, even if it is figuratively.

Someone stands behind us, a girl in a soft black, and clears her throat. Oh. Cassie, Finn’s condescending and slightly stuck up girlfriend, so I hear. She’s the complete opposite of Finn and thus logically a counterpart to his soul. Well, if you believe that soul mates exist, then they are the worlds most perfect match. They are just school-mates pulled together by the idea that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Even in this wake, Cassie holds the impression that no one can be as heartbroken as she is – that perhaps she knew something we all don’t. My lips crack at the idea that Cassie’s death is the only way to make her the greater tragedy.

Only Hayley would say something like that – only she would have found death upon death more amusing. Oh God, I miss her.

Hello Holden,” she greets stiffly, “Hayley would have loved knowing that you came.”

Do you mean that she didn’t expect me to show up? I force a smile on my face and nodded in acknowledgment. “She would have wanted me to, wouldn’t she?”

Well,” Cassie begins in her 4.00 GPA tone, “you hardly knew – ” She stops with a cough, choking on her own words. I see Finn nudging her in the ribcage and she quietly calms down, looking away from me. Actions do speak louder than words, and I could finally see how Hayley saw them. As long as Finn had the patience, and Cassie had the loyalty, they could be forever together.

The metaphor hit me as Finn stood up and avoided Cassie’s searching hand. Her desperation for comfort in the presence of her dead friend seemed contrived. Not right now, his eyes seemed to say as Cassie tried to hide the pain of her rejection. Kaleidoscope. Hayley’s view of the world was like looking through the lens of a kaleidoscope. Shattering, splicing and changing the world until beauty was not in the simple but in the breaking of the normal. She would have found Finn’s rejection tragically … wonderful. Am I right?

If you’ll excuse me,” I mumble, “I need to look for Lena.” I didn’t wait for Cassie or Finn to reply but I heard their voices behind me. They made no attempt to cover up their conversation.

How does he know Hayley?” Finn asks.

Cassie spoke loudly, using a persuasive tone in her voice even though it wasn’t important. “Remember Lena’s friends from university? Holden is the one that asked Hayley out even before they met. We visited them before in May… before Hayley left. You know.”

Oh. Him”

Yes. I asked her out even before I knew her.


I hear Lena speaking, “So we have this homecoming dance every week and I need to get a pair of heels,” to her computer. While she remains absorbed in her conversation with her friends, I sneak behind her and listen to her conversation.

Oh, so Lena are you going to have a date?”

The voice was soft and light, almost way I imagined a fairy’s to be.

Before Lena could answer, I yell in her ear for a her friend to hear. “Want to go to the dance with me!” It was more of a statement than a question, but just like that, I met Hayley Tangles. Yes, I asked her out even before I saw her face, but when I did put an image to that voice, I think I liked her even more. She may have been mildly disappointed with mine though.

little soul prologue

In little soul on November 4, 2009 at 2:44 AM


after. a/beautiful/mess

the goal of all life is death.” – sigmund freud

At the age of nineteen, Hayley Tangles died from drowning.

…or maybe it was electrocution, excessive bleeding, carbon poisoning, strangulation or drug overdose. The autopsy never revealed this mystery about her. It was as if all the incidents happened at once, and in the end everything happened exactly the way she wanted it to. To her, a suicide is composed of two mysteries: how and why. People only deserved the right to understand one composition of the issue. You can guess that she burned charcoal, took over thirty bottles of sleeping pills and slit her wrists before plunging herself into a deep tub, but the fact of the matter is that everything happened at once. So while she knew why she was dying, you know she figured along the way that she didn’t want to know how. Now the world knows how she went but no one understands why.

When you’re with her, her mouth runs off like she’s racking up miles on a race car. She talks, smiles, laughs and gets you to join her in her stories but when it comes down to it, you realize she’s told you nothing at all. The story of how she’s scared of riding bicycles because she drove hers into a river doesn’t say anything other than a good laugh but … didn’t she tell you that she’s too prideful to show people that she can fall?

Under that façade, the skeleton was cracking, the soul was bleeding and it was all a beautiful mess.

 

little soul: chapter one

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